Say What?
Like many writers, I often have to think about how a
character comes across. This was a point of contention with my writers group
this past week. One person was reading a piece out loud to the others and I had
difficulty following. When they finished and asked for comments, I waited until
the others had their turn. Then all eyes turned to me. Since I lead the group,
it’s a given that there will be more from me that ‘a nice job’ or ‘it’s coming
along well’. So here’s roughly what I said.
“Not everyone speaks in the Queen’s English, unless you’re
writing a Victorian era story, which this isn’t. Some people who are using
English as a second language might. But it’s rare. Think about conversations
you have with others. Or bits from your favorite show. The character Henry from
the Longmire series does not use contractions. However most characters rarely
use full sentences. Slang or regional dialogue can come into play.”
One of the others agreed. They also pointed out that most of
the dialogue was the same length. It made it difficult to differentiate the
characters. I reminded the group that it’s
important to mix up dialogue with narrative and to break up the length of your
sentences. Dialogue can also be used to convey a full range of emotions. Here’s
an example from Fleeing Beauty that I used.
***
Malone had just left when
I sensed someone move up beside me. A cultured voice reached my ear. “Good
evening, Jamie.” I didn’t even have to turn around.
“Hello, Mr. Mundy. I
was hoping you’d be here.”
He took my hand and
did the knuckle kissing thing. Beside him was Jocelyn, the exotic beauty with
the raven hair, wearing a very tight red dress that accentuated her curves and
showed off a lot of leg. She offered me a demur smile and nod.
I took his arm and
guided him around the gallery. Jocelyn followed. Mundy made appreciative
remarks after the first couple of pieces. My impatience took over.
“I don’t know whether
to be pissed or pleased by your actions, Harry.”
“Perhaps some common
ground between the two would be appropriate.”
My Irish temper
flared. “You are one crafty son of a bitch.”
“I will deign to take
that as a compliment.”
This was not the place
to make a scene, so I kept my voice low as I moved him along. “You tagged my
phone with some kind of high tech global positioning device.” I saw him about
to speak and waved it away. “Of course, you yourself didn’t do it. Your darling
daughter here did.”
Jocelyn leaned
forward. “I told you not to underestimate her,” she said in a sing-song voice.
In my peripheral vision, I saw her smile and wink at me.
Harrison was
unflustered. “That is quite an engaging tale. Please continue.”
“There was only one
way you could have gotten into the studio and viewed the collection in advance.”
“You really are quite
resourceful, Jamie.”
“Cut the crap, Harry.
I’d like the truth. I think you owe me that much.”
“As you wish. Jocelyn
is in fact my daughter. She is also my associate, helping to resolve crimes
related to art. Considering your relationships with the local police, I am
certain you can understand how confidential this information is.”
“Who would I ever
tell? Who the hell’s gonna believe me?”
“Point taken. That
allowed me the opportunity to view the collection and to make some very
fortuitous preparations.”
“No shit, Sherlock.
You tagged the artwork.” His prim and proper manner was bringing out my vulgar
side, but I really didn’t care.
Mundy twitched a
little smile. “How did you discover my involvement?”
You can see how the dialogue can help set the mood of the
people involved and convey the tone of the message. This even shows how vulgarity can be
incorporated. So, it’s not just what you say, but how you say it.
